When asked as a child, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” I never hesitated to give a garrulous response. I have always been very analytical and I have very good reasoning, well summerlandish reasoning, that is for all of my hopes, dreams and endeavours.
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Here’s what I wanted to be, with the corresponding years in which I wanted to be it:
- Preschool: Princess,
- Kindy: Actress,
- Year 1: Grizabella the Glamour Cat in CATS!,
- Year 2: Teacher,
- Year 3: A prostitute or Playboy Bunny (I managed to get my hands on a VHS copy of Pretty Woman and my brother’s magazine stash.)
- Year 4: Rapunzel,
- Year 5: Housewife,
- Year 6: Dancer,
- Year 7: Actress,
- Year 8: Rum Tum Tugger in CATS!,
- Year 9: X-ray Technician,
- Year 10: Tennis Club Owner,
- Year 11: Gym Owner,
- Year 12: Actress,
- University: Marketing Professional (aka trophy wife.)
When I was twenty-two, I was a college graduate but definitely not anywhere close to being an American version of Rapunzel who doubled as a Broadway triple-threat talent with her own tennis court, gym and X-ray machine. While I did, at least, have a boyfriend, I definitely wasn’t close to being a trophy wife either. So around the zillionth time someone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I casually replied, ‘A pharmaceutical rep.” No, I had not seen Love and Other Drugs yet, (If I had, then I would most definitely be hawking prescription drugs and making sweet love to Jake Gyllenhaal at this very moment), but I had heard it pays well and you get to travel. My questioner, my friend’s big sister who is an actual life coach, laughed and said I was better suited to being a writer. It wasn’t because I’m particularly eloquent, but I always seem to have a lot of stories. So, for the past eight years, I’ve been writing. I released my memoir, Summerlandish, in 2013, have written for various magazines and online publications and am currently working on two new books.
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During this time, I’ve also discovered that I’m actually interested in quite a few other things than writing. I love co-hosting my podcast, Totally Completely Fine, project managing for local businesses in Mudgee, moderating and speaking at reader/ writer festivals around the world, renovating my house, and being a mom to my kids, Daisy and Axel. As you can gather, I like to stay busy and as a mother, that often brings guilt. (Stupid, silly old guilt!) I feel guilty because I’m not 100% focusing on my kids. I feel guilty because so many gender stereotypes tell me that I should stay at home. I feel guilty because caring for two kids who often bring me to tears doesn’t 100% fulfil my emotional (and financial) needs. I also start spiralling and thinking about what if I had gone straight into a “real job” before kids. Maybe I wouldn’t feel as guilty about starting or changing while already having kids…
However, I can get over that. I have an extremely supportive husband, mother and a reasonable amount of confidence. Plus the majority of my mom friends work and are knocking it out of the park. Recently, I decided to try my hand at real estate and accepted a job at McGrath Central Tablelands as Sales Support for Lucas Sheppard. Before I could begin, I went to Sydney for a week to take my Certificate of Registration course. As I would make small talk with my classmates, I often mentioned that I lived in Mudgee and have two kids. Every Single Time the person I was speaking to would ask confused, “But who’s looking after this kids?!” With a slightly cocked head, I’d respond, “THEIR FATHER. And daycare.”
When I mentioned this phenomenon to the friend I was staying with and that it made me question my decision, she pointed out that nobody would have asked my husband who was looking after his kids if he were in Sydney taking a course, while his family continued on with their lives in Mudgee. It was true. And I also couldn’t help but think that if my husband went to Sydney for further career training, he wouldn’t feel a shred of guilt either. Managing my guilt for pursuing personal goals while also being a mother is something I have to actively work on. However, I think as a society, we all need to work on managing our attitudes towards other people’s personal decisions because it’s resulting in some limiting gender role descriptions. After all, we’re all living very different lives and have very different needs.