Even before we embark on those long nine months to motherhood, I think it’s safe to say that we have a general idea of what type of mum we want to be. Even as a 10- year-old with a plastic baby doll to care for during Sex-Ed, I knew I was going to be a Mother’s Group Mom. Within the five days of the assignment, I had organised a baby shower, play-date, and joint shopping trip to the mall. (It’s important to get out and about…. After those 6 weeks needles though!)
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When my husband, Paul, and I first started kicking around the idea of having kids, I remember being this all knowing ex nanny/ camp counsellor/ protégé of Donna Land aka my actual mom aka the baby whisperer and I was full of opinions. I genuinely remember telling Paul that we can’t say negatives to our child. For example: “Don’t play with the paint inside.” Apparently, kids don’t hear the “Don’t” and instead hear, “Play with the paint inside.” I told Paul we have to say, “Play with the paint outside!” I think you’re probably silently laughing right now, aren’t you?
Well here I am – some five years later and two kids later and all of my preconceived notions of what type of mom I was going to be have gone out the window. (The car window that was supposed to be child locked.) There’s paint inside, I cry in the car, but I also feel like I’m doing a pretty good job of raising incredible humans.
Still, I think we, as humans, strive for definitions and titles so below I’ve outlined the different types of moms we can choose from.
Hippie Mom
- Hybrid car or move to a city with public transport
- Other option - walk or ride push bikes
- Grow all of our own food, have a great compost pile
- No vaccines
- Natural water birth at home
- Kids grow up to run a “Make Your Own Dream Catcher” course in Brooklyn
Safe Mom
- Volvo SUV
- Live in a gated community
- Only buy organic food
- Yes Vaccines
- Monitored birth at a private hospital
- Kids grow up to be doctors, obviously
Dangerous Mom
- Motorcycle
- Lives next to an unfenced body of water
- Only feeds kids candy bars and fizzy drinks
- What are vaccines?
- Toilet birth
- Kids grow up to write witty memoir about how dangerous their childhood was
Cool Mom
- BMW X5 SUV
- Live in an awesome renovated home
- Buys organic food, but is also down to order Dominos
- Yes to vaccines
- Birth is birth – open to drugs
- Kids grow up to be avid travellers and manage 7 figure jobs from their iPhones
Donna Mom
- Mini Van
- Lives in lots of different homes
- Loves fancy food and fast food
- Yes to vaccines
- C-sections
- Kids grow up to be free spirits with a love for the arts/ an addiction to Mexican food
American Mom
- Ford Excursion
- Lives in manicured neighbourhood of garage doors
- Oblivious to GMOs
- Yes to vaccines
- Of course I’m getting an epidural
- Kids grow up and have to advocate for gun control
Australian ‘Mum’
- Land Rover Discovery
- Lives in a restored heritage listed home
- Grows own vegies and buys half a lamb at one time
- Yes to vaccines
- It’s all about the Calm Birth class
- Kids grow up to take gap year and then become a genetic counsellor. Also still in touch with their au pair.
Survivalist ‘Mum’
- Nissan X-Trail (peppered inside with French fries)
- Lives in a half renovated house
- Drinks wine, eats chicken fingers, but works out a lot
- Yes to vaccines
- It’s all about the “JUST GET IT OUT”
- Kids grow up with the best friends ever because this mum needed other mums around to get through the day
I think it’s pretty obviously I’m the Survivalist Mum. Which one are you?
Summer Land is a writer and author of Summerlandish. Get a signed copy of her book at http://www.summerlandauthor.com.
