I don’t know if it’s because I’m the mother of two kids under five, have been doing some sort of renovating or building project on the side for the past five years, currently don’t have air conditioning or the fact that I consume too much caffeine and can’t sleep at night, but I’m tired.
I’m the kind of tired where the checkout lady at Woolies politely says, “Gee, you look really tired, doll” as she judgingly swipes through a third box of frozen pizza and then offers the complimentary weekly recipe book and adds, “There’s some really good healthy stuff in there for the children this week.”
I know this type of tired is common for parents and it makes me feel better knowing that I’m not alone in my exhaustion. The world knows that adulting with tiny humans is hard and I feel lucky that I have a great group of friends who openly admits just how badly we all need naps (and a week away at a health retreat) and an over-poured glass of wine.
Being tired is a weird feeling for me though. As someone who self-diagnosed themselves with ADHD at age eight, it’s confronting to not feel overly energetic, inspired, excited and motivated to kick some hefty goals. Seriously – my family used to call me Flubber (from the least popular Robin Williams movie). As a teen and twenty-something, I was all about writing books, recording podcasts, exploring the world, fundraising for charity or applying for a dream job. I wanted to conquer every mountaintop, make all the money, run all the races and get my name in lights.
But here we are nearly two weeks into 2019 and I sort of feel like I’m just barely treading water. The idea of running for any length greater than 5k seems absurd, my book release in February feels daunting, trying to get my bank account back to pre-house build is a Herculean task and you know what – my mind is simply too tired to dream about what else I could possibly do.
SO with that being said. I’ve decided that my 2019 New Year’s Resolution is to survive. In the past, I may have easily been fuelled by a Tony Robbins article and set my sight on the stars, but this year – I’m just going to do what I have to do to make it through each day. Basically, I’m lowering the bar. Is it self-preservation? Maybe. I don’t know – I just know that keeping up with the laundry or remembering to give my dog his morning medication is a huge win for me these days.
Even though I’m going into survival mode – this doesn’t mean I’m not going to keep writing, finding causes to support or putting my heart and soul into my work. I’m just going to acknowledge that perhaps I can’t move at the speed I once had. After all, I’m not just a lone shark anymore. I’ve got a whole school to look after now. Yep - I’m just going to keep on swimming and keep on trying to find my next meal (that’s preferably not frozen pizza) and live a life that makes me feel content, my family feel loved and protected and the world a little bit better of a place.
Summer Land is a writer and author of Summerlandish: Do As I Say, Not As I Did. Her next book, I Now Pronounce You Husband and Expat with be available for download in February 2019.