In tough times - actually, scratch that, at all times - I lean back on the Simpsons to make sense of the world.
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To describe what's happened in this illustrious column this week, why there's only one quote for the job.
Homer: "All bad news and no sport make sports journalists go something something."
Marge: "Go crazy?"
Homer: "Don't mind if I do!"
My mind has been ticking in the desperate hunt for sport - how could we adapt sport to help overcome restrictions around coronavirus?
The answer is we can't and we shouldn't because you - yes, you reading this - should be staying at home and not leaving the house unless it's to buy food.
Stay. At. Home.
However, what's to stop a sports writer from going absolutely mad imagining the game-changing rules which could be brought in to help fill the void of what more and more likely looking like a year without sport?
So, without further ado, here are the rule changes I, an individual who is completely unqualified as a sports administrator or a medical expert, would do to make coronavirus-safe sports if such things existed.
Rugby league
They've already invented it for a different sport, which I still maintain is the greatest sport of all time: bubble soccer.
As someone who's played it, take me at my word when I say it's the most enjoyable sport in existence.
The more I think about it, the more I'm confused as to why this isn't the default version of all sports? You get your own self-enclosed bubble, you can play full-contact sport during a pandemic, there are very few injuries from huge physical hits and you can send people absolutely flying - all ticks.
Can you imagine Josh Starling running down the wing only to be collected and bounced into the grandstand at Wade Park by, say, Duncan Young on the last line of defence?
But what about the ball, I hear you ask. How do you pass it when your arms are trapped in a big balloon?
Simple - take the ball away. You score a try if you get more than five of your on-field 13 over the line. How do you go about doing it? I don't have the answers, but by gum do I want to find out.
Also - goals are still happening here, but without a ball your designated kicker is aiming to kick your lightest player through the uprights.
Sure, it might not be physically possible but it'll be funny to watch.
Rugby union
I've never played rugby union, but standing on the sidelines of Pride Park in the middle of winter, with the snow falling and watching rolling maul after rolling maul through the mud, I can't say it's my favourite sport to watch.
To be honest, it kind of looks like trench warfare, which is exactly what I'm turning it into under this new tyrannical regime, so everyone on the field gets a paintball gun.
You place a whole load of wooden barriers on a rugby field, and split them up and so there are a bunch of gaps between them, throw some barbed wire around the place, then dig a few holes and fill them with water. Game on.
If you get hit with a paintball, you have to go back to your own 20-metre line. The ball gets hit? That's a turnover.
Suddenly, a slow-moving game of crawling through the mud while tactically searching for a weakness in your opponent's defence turns into a slow-moving game of crawling through the mud while tactically searching for a weakness in your opponent's defence. Next!
Netball
Netball is insanely popular, but as anyone who has seen a game of division one can attest - is far more physical and dangerous than you'd think.
You know what else is universally popular but also more physical and dangerous than you'd think? Pool noodles.
You're no longer allowed to touch other players, but are permitted to go ham with pool noodles to knock them out of the way, and we'll make the ball inflatable just for fun.
If you get an obstruction called against you, you get put straight into quarantine as netball umpires and police officers finally become basically the same thing.
Australian Rules
Aussie rules is a tactical game, with players moving all over the ground and the ball regularly ping-ponging from one end of the ground to other, and one side of the ground to another.
If you look at it from top-down, I imagine it would almost look like chess, if chess was played on an oval.
So let's just formalise it, Aussie rules is now chess. Done.
Football
Soccer is the same sport, but now with 100 per cent more bubbles encasing players, and as such it's now 100 per cent better. Fight me.
Hockey
Make everyone's sticks three metres long, and give everyone a second one. You can't physically be that close to the ball while trapping it or controlling it, and by extension neither should your opponent, and if they do get that close you're allowed to whack them.
Tennis
Our new tennis was released in 2006 for the Nintendo Wii and it is the only form of tennis I think counts, namely because I'm incapable of serving in real tennis and resent the sport because of it.