Now that I’m a grown up I’ve been doing responsible things like paying my bills, providing my children with food and clothing and trying to not spend my spare time arranging my Beanie Baby Collection by their rarity and tag condition. Recently, in an effort to be even more of an adult, I got life and income insurance. As an incentive to not prematurely die or have to stop working, my package came with a FitBit. In case you don’t know – a FitBit is a fitness watch that tracks and records your exercise, steps and vitals.
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Apparently the more fit I am, I get Qantas Frequent Flyer miles and discounts on my insurance. This is extra appealing to me because I’m an expat living in Australia and three of my closest friends/ family members in the US are in peek baby making mode. As someone whose husband has had a vasectomy, getting to cuddle these newborns (for just the right amount of time) is crucial for my ovaries.
When my FitBit arrived, I was surprisingly excited about charging it and getting to wear it. I’m not going to lie - I’ve never cared about how many steps I take in a day nor what my resting heart rate is. However, the minute I strapped it on, I was a changed woman. I felt part of a club. (What club? I’m not really sure. But I could feel the support of the imaginary members.) I felt inspired. I also felt a little bit like Lindsay Lohan when she was under house arrest. For the first time in months, I added a run after work. As I sprinted up the moderate hill by my house, I briefly considered changing career paths and becoming an Instagram Fitness Blogger. I mean – who knew what magical powers this watch had? I may just give up beer for kombucha and master the before and after #abprogress shot.
After I finished running, I got a buzzing notification that said, “Congrats on earning a hill badge.”
HOW HAD IT KNOWN I WAS RUNNING UP A HILL?
What type of Big Brother crap was this? Even though my FitBit was creepily a genius, I continued to wear it. I also continued to worship it. 1. It tells the time. 2. It tracks my steps. 3. It reminds me to stand up and do some steps. 4. It helps me remember to do deep breathing and says fun things in the AM like, “How you doing?” (Which I always read in a Joey Tribbiani voice) and 5. It previews my text messages. Only issue – Dominos Pizza is like the main person who communicates with me and after 12,000 steps, a message from Dominos on my watch asking me if I’m hungry is like cruel and unusual punishment. (Especially when it’s buy one, get one for a dollar.)
I didn’t think this would be a big deal because I’ve also recently become Gluten Free and Dairy Free. I know – stop rolling your eyes at another basic white girl wearing a FitBit who is going #DF and #GF. I promise it’s for a reason. (A reason I will spare you the details of.) The thing is – Gluten Free/ Dairy Free Summer is amazing. Every complaint I had prior is gone. I have more money in the bank. I have a six pack! My hair is now naturally blonde! (Just kidding.) But seriously, I have energy and I’m regular and everything is better. Everything except the fact that I’ve recently learned that Dominos now does Gluten Free Vegan Pizza and I have a FitBit that let’s Dominos get straight into my heart and soul all day.
I guess I’m just going to have to increase my steps. The answer to the question you’re all asking yourselves is NO. Raising a glass of wine to your mouth does not count as a step. (I’ve tested this out numerous times.)
Summer Land is the author of Summerlandish: Do As I Say, Not As I Did. Get a signed copy from summerlandauthor.com
