Two-time paralympic equestrian Sue-Ellen Lovett has often said "if there isn't a light at the end of the tunnel, go down and light the bloody thing yourself" but lately she's been struggling to live by that philosophy.
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A struggle she details in a new autobiography.
"I felt like there was no light at the end of the tunnel and I couldn't even find the match to go down and light it. I was struggling to just put one foot in front of the other," she said.
"I represented Australia umpteen times and to find myself where I am now, having a wee 14.2 hand pony and having two people to make sure I'm safe and a coach walking with me, it's very raw."
Last week, Ms Lovett, who is from Mudgee but currently lives in Dubbo, launched her third book 'The Blind Chick' in an event at the Dubbo Regional Library.
In the autobiographical tale Ms Lovett details the emotional highs of her incredible career in the sport of dressage and the devastating lows of her self-described "fall from grace".
"The book deals with the ups and downs of life, how I deal with the 'itty bitty shitty committee', depression and how to come out the other side and keep moving forward," she said.
"That was easier in the past because I would just do another long distance ride. But now it's not that easy - I was already totally blind but now I feel I have no orientation anymore.
"I have no idea where I am and that is so confronting when only a few years ago I was riding at an international level in dressage.
"It's like a fall from grace."
At age 12, Ms Lovett was diagnosed with the hereditary condition retinitis pigmentosa which, over time, left her completely blind. Despite this, she had a dream of representing Australia and, in 1994, she took up dressage and began working towards entering the paralympics.
Her paralympic dream was realised 1996 when she travelled to the Atlanta Summer Paralympics and again in 2000 at the Sydney Paralympics. She was also part of the bronze-medal winning Australian team at the World Dressage Championships in Denmark in 1999.
Amidst her competition success, Ms Lovett also completed ten long distance rides, riding over 16,000 kilometres to raise more than 3.2 million dollars for charity.
"I'm blessed with what I have achieved, but a reality check isn't good. It can be too real, too raw, too confronting," she said.
"Writing the book was cathartic because I had to face many demons and put them on paper. But I've had a pretty amazing journey and if I was given the cards again I wouldn't choose anything different because I've had an amazing life.
"Life's what you make it and some days are shit and some are wonderful."
Despite recent challenges, Ms Lovett has gotten back on a horse and is learning how to ride again with the help of two coaches who she said it would not be possible without.
"In my life it's really important that there's no 'I' in team. Nothing happens without support," she said.
"My little grey pony Blue and I are learning together. He's a little cow pony who has very little education but I want to ride so it's just one step at a time - but I can't see myself going back and competing.
"Today was my first lesson and I cantered. I walked, trotted and cantered for the first time on my pony."
Writing her book has also been a team effort for Ms Lovett who says she's "not a writer, but a storyteller". So far, her latest work has been a hit, selling out completely at the book launch.
"You write a book and you would like to think people would like to buy it. And then you do a book launch and you sell out, you think 'wow'," she said.
Sue-Ellen Lovett's book 'The Blind Chick' is available online through a number of retailers. Check her website for details
